Chiefs - Rams

Alexa. What the F?

Before There Was Naked Eyes…

...there was Lou Johnson.

In Other News
• Year One What Biden Has Done Mega Thread (What Biden Has Done)

It's Friday Ya Bastids

Four Touchdowns In One Game

Gabriel Davis of the Buffalo Bills: I just scored four touchdowns in a single game.

Al Bundy: Big deal. I did that in high school. Polk High School Panthers. 1966. Four touchdowns in one game.

Go Bills!

Praying For The End Of Time

It's Friday Ya Bastids

Year One

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I’m Sure He Was Just Joking

"African American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans."

Yes. He actually said this.

A reminder that Kyrsten Sinema has always been kind of an a-hole.

Kyrsten Sinema’s combustible thumb (The Washington Post)

Bless Your Heart

So. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Pokey LaFarge.

MLK Day

"Conservatives" quoting MLK's "...not...by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character..." is like when Homer Simpson bursts into the church yelling "SANCTUARY" and Rev. Lovejoy rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, why did I teach him that word."

Phallus on the Play

Patriots' wide receiver Kendrick Bourne grabbed the first touchdown pass in Bills-Patriots yesterday at Highmark Stadium yesterday, fourth and goal with 4:12 remaining in the third quarter. This and the extra kick made the score 33-10 and dildo.

Yes, a fan saw fit to throw this gigantic rubber penis onto the field following the Patriots' first scoring play. And, it's not the first time this has happened. In fact, it's become somewhat of a tradition since 2016. Oh, yes. You can bet on it.

And Yet Here We Are

It's Friday Ya Bastids

Cleanup in aisle...

Nice

Well, I just bought me some new underpants.

The secret word for tonight is...reissue...

Frank Zappa and the Mothers’ Epic 1971 Fillmore East Shows Get 50th-Anniversary Reissue (Rolling Stone)

Zappa's Legendary 1971 Fillmore East Run, and Shocking Final Rainbow Theatre Gig Commemorated with Definitive Eight-Disc Boxed Set (zappa.com)

Purple Fly On The Wall

So then you take off all your clothes and jump into the lake after he has challenged you to purify yourself in waters of Lake Minnetonka. And so you do, you take off your clothes and show your titties and you jump into the lake. And, as you do, he says “that ain’t lake minnetonka” and then he gives you a bunch of shit spazzing out on your bike while you try to get on it while you are trying to settle into your wet clothes. And then, then, this is the closer, he’s like DON’T GET MY BIKE WET. Isn’t that great?

Vanity: Fuck this.

DC5? ARE THEY INSANE?

The Great Rock Hall Purge: Which Hall of Fame inductees don’t belong? (cleveland.com)

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Architects hear that commercial like "so you only I.M. Pei for what you need."

As if I adored this man enough already.

'What a moron': Dr. Anthony Fauci on Senator Roger Marshall after heated exchange (Reuters)

GTO

They Don't Make Heterosexuals Like Pamela Des Barres Anymore (Gawker)

"Her 1987 memoir 'I’m With the Band: Confessions of a Groupie' is a testament to just how much this woman loved terrible men"

Kent Water Ruled

Mayor Chandler actually gave me one of my first jobs as a teenager, digging and moving rocks one afternoon in their backyard. I forget what she paid.

A New Path for Pence

I am not often in the business of advising Republican politicians. However, I really hate to see Columbus North High School's most prestigious fella pass up such a smart opportunity.

Former Vice-President Mike Pence has let a few impressions leak that seem to me to be trial balloons regarding his recent invitation to testify before the House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol. Via the New York Times:

In recent weeks, Mr. Pence is said by people familiar with his thinking to have grown increasingly disillusioned with the idea of voluntary cooperation. He has told aides that the committee has taken a sharp partisan turn by openly considering the potential for criminal referrals to the Justice Department about Mr. Trump and others. Such referrals, in Mr. Pence's view, appear designed to hurt Republican chances of winning control of Congress in November.

The problem is that Pence, who presumably has designs on the presidency himself, is in a rather difficult spot. He seems concerned that capitulation to the Select Committee would lose him sway among the mighty Trump base. But didn't he already lose that precious anointing when he refused to throw out the generally accepted election result on 1/6/2021? Or when he's seen on video being quickly evacuated from the legislative floor?

This why I suspect we are reading such speculation in the great NYT. He needs to test his standing with the MAGATs. With the Qanons. With the true believers. With those who await the necromancing of JFK Jr., the ones who think Wayfair furniture is built out of human remains. Pence is sticking a wet phalange into the wind. And I don't think the results are gonna be all that great for him.

That's got be to quite a kick in the gut for a guy who spent four years staring into the back of Preznit Carnage's head with a look on his face like when Itchy the Wookie is watching Diahann Carroll sing "This Minute Now" in the Star Wars Holiday Special. This is Mr. "I Am Deeply Humbled to Be Your Vice President," after all. His repayment? HANG MIKE PENCE. HANG MIKE PENCE HANG MIKE PENCE.

So why is he even pondering this when there's a much better, albeit more risky, way forward?

Hey. Mike. Get to marching in Liz Cheney's parade.

Do I think Liz Cheney is doing what she's doing because she wants what's best for the country and she believes the Big Lie is a Big Lie and that the Insurrection of January 6 was ungood? I guess. But on the other hand, I think Liz Cheney sees a BIG FAT LONGSHOT PATH TO BECOME LA PREZNIT OF DEEZ UNTIED STATES OF AMERICA.

After all, what happens when or if the unexplainable shine wears off of der cheeterhosen? Criminal charges. Lawsuits. Sexual assault charges. Civil suits leaving him hemorrhaging money. His recent vaccine endorsements are already throwing off his most loyal unwashed. Who's going to be there if and when the Republican Party tosses Former Preznit Disgraceful Carnage out on his ass in his fat golf khakis? Liz Cheney is so far the only one betting the long game that it's going to be she. (Okay, yes, Adam Kinzinger, blah blah blah. Dude is really kind of an afterthought on all this, methinks.)

Cheney has begun to forge a path that might could behoove the former Vice-Preznit to embark upon. It could start with his straightforward, unredacted public testimony to the Select Committee, followed by public calls to his own party to purge itself of this enormous, treacherous lie, to respect the fair and correct result of the 2020 election, and to get back to the business of working for true conservative values.

Mr. Former Vice President, heed my call: You sir, are in need of a reinvention. And I would argue that the Congresswoman from Wyoming is showing you the way. Show up. Testify. Cooperate. Throw your former boss, who I remind you tried to have you assassinated, way deep and far under the bus. It will be good for the country. It will make you seem to be presidential.

Heck. It might even make you presidential.

Thus, It Is, With The Cheese Lady

As a microbusiness, surviving the pandemic means taking it one day at a time (NPR Marketplace) I love the cheese lady.

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Holy Crap! This Could Actually Be Good!

Yellow Garners Some Press

Best Albums of 2021 (Jazz Revelations)

Make 'Em Pay

NFL Playoff Bracket 2022

NFL playoffs schedule, bracket and what you need to know (The Washington Post)

Hay's for Horses

To Sir, With Love

First of all, how about them Buffalo Bills, as of today AFC East champions for the second straight season! Let's see who's up Saturday... hmmmmm...Patriots? Chargers?

UPDATE: Patriots.

Second, I was shocked to read about the passing of the world champion of telling the "the Aristocrats" joke, Bob Saget. I really hate it when the funny ones die.

Third, To Sir, With Love.

Propelled by the recent death of Sidney Poitier, after the Big Sunday Dinner, we landed on this for a movie. And, I mean, it's all right. Dated. Kind of weird. Kind of after-school special. Lulu as that generation's Adele. Contrived situations that kind of make no sense. An extended dance scene betwixt teacher and student without even the benefit of John Travolta's choreography. It's kind of a squeaker. Better than Birdman, I reckon.

But without it, is there a Dead Poet's Society?

Yeah, probably. Maybe we should have gone with Lilies in the Field.

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• The Best Griddle Temp For Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Shampoo

Turner Classic Movies sucked me in early this morning, causing me to watch nearly all of a 1975 film starring Goldie Hawn, Goldie Hawn' mini-skirts, Warren Beatty, juror #7 in 12 Angry Men, and a 17-year-old Carrie Fisher.

Shampoo.

Beatty plays George Roundy, a hairdresser in Beverly Hills who bangs every one of his customers, and follows his attempts to juggle these relationships on the night before the 1968 presidential election. I'll say this, I am certain that Ben Stiller spent some time with this film when he was formulating his Zoolander character.

Such an experience is one reason I keep the silver channels. Through my Saturday, I had on this nutty film, but earlier they played Bad Day at Black Rock, which I'd seen before but is always worth a view. This stars Spencer Tracy as a one-armed guy who stops into a weird backwards town looking for someone. The dude has a bum arm, but he can still kick Ernest Borgnine's ass. Then they showed Gilda, which is the reason men sit up a bit in their chairs when you say the words "Rita Hayworth."

Since I'm thinking about movies, one should probably give a moment to reflect on Sidney Poitier, who, strangely, has been on my mind the past month or so. Lilies in the Field, In the Heat of the Night, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, how do movies get any better than these? Poitier died this week but leaves behind a trove of amazing work.

Walking Your Doggies

Op-Ed: What the U.S. can learn from Stalin's abortion ban (Los Angeles Times)

It's Friday Ya Bastids

I Never Meant To Cause You Any Sorrow

Insurrection

In the early summer of 1989 in Washington, D.C., my Dad and I took a Metro downtown (or maybe we drove) and went to the Capitol to see the mighty legislator Claude Pepper lie in state. As I recall, it was kind of on a whim. He at the time was running his own newsletter so his schedule was flexible; I was a kid, so my schedule was flexible. We woke up, he said hey, let’s go see Claude, and we went.

My Dad up and moved to D.C. a few years before this. By this time, he had purchased a hovel of a house over the river in Virginia that he would soon raze and replace. So I had been hanging out in D.C. for several years by that time. I was commuting like a pro by age 15, taking the Metro to wherever I liked, and where I liked was often to the National Mall. My favorite spot was the Lincoln Memorial, where you could stand at the man’s feet and see so much of our Nation’s Capital’s great landmarks all in a line. I’d sometimes walk the whole way from Lincoln, down to the Vietnam, along the Mall passing all of the great museums, past the Washington, and then wonder at the majesty of our U.S. Capitol building.

I would later spend a semester in D.C. via a program sponsored by my school, interning and visiting various interest groups and lobby shops. I would work a summer there as a busboy just off of Georgetown Much later, I would finally succumb and move there, landing a job on a magazine published by a trade association, and ending up as their Web guy until the job was too much for me. I lasted there 13 years. And, when the weather was nice, a lunchtime walk around the White House was a usual event. (This blog, in fact, was born there, a nice way at the time to get this introvert to go out and meet people.)

Washington, D.C. is in my backbone. And though I haven’t even been there in more than a decade, it is one of the places in the world that I call home. It is decades of memories. And many of those memories involve that big beautiful bicameral building.

So I was properly horrified watching the events of January 6, 2021. I was not just horrified for my country, or for my government, or for the insurrection’s victims. It was as if my own house was being mauled. It was as if someone had crapped all over my temple. I think of the fellow who sat with a big grin on his face with a foot up on Speaker Pelosi’s desk. I think of those morons rifling through legislators’ notes looking for “dirt,” as if they had half the brain-power required to even comprehend what was on those papers. I think of that douche in the horn-hat crowing from the lectern, those who climbed the walls, those who came prepped with plastic cuffs, and my blood boils.

Due to this, yes, I wanted to hear more from Attorney General Merrick Garland today. I have liked to imagine that his demeanor through his speech would be closer to how I feel about this event, that he’d get a vein-bulge on his forehead, that his eyes might bug out some, that he’d clench his fists and declare that heads will roll. But Garland doesn’t seem to be the veiny-forehead type. C’est la vie.

But I want to see heads roll for this. 365 days now and I have yet to witness this cathartic experience. I want heads to roll. I want tales told. I want names. I want to know who paid for this. I want to know who advocated for it. I want these people to suffer as I suffered seeing my home, my temple, so horribly violated.

More than anything, I want that orange idiot to be shuffled off in chains for this. Not for tax evasion. Not for fraud. This. I fear largely that this country may punish him for his toilet business practices but may never assign him accountability for his septic tank presidency. The Republican Senate failed to do this job. It failed to do it twice. And while the Attorney General is taking massive pressure to do something regarding this, I think every conversation about that should note that had the Senate done its job in February 2021, Garland’s position would not be nearly as precarious as it is now. He would feel far less political pressure as he does now to do the right thing, to prosecute this doorknob to the fullest extent of the law. Don’t land this on Merrick Garland. Land it on Mitch McConnell. He drove the getaway car.

As an American. As a person who used to live there and considered it home to my heart. As a person who followed public policy since I was 4 years old. As a guy who took a field trip with his Dad to see Clace Pepper’s dead bald head. As a person who would genuflect entering the Capitol but would refuse to do so in any other building.

I detest what took place one year ago. I hate them all. I hate them all with a passion that spills bile from my eyes, from my mouth, from my penis. I hate them all. I hope they all find a place in a burny place after they die, I hope that burny place chops them into little pieces one crouton at a time. I want them to suffer. I want them to know that what they did wrong. They invaded my home. They violated me personally. And I want them to pay the price.

Let’s go.

Laugh Now

From the sheet music of the Frank Zappa composition Penis Dimension.

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